Patent Platform Stilettos
by kangaroo
Summary: Slash. Smut. R/S. Sneezefic. James Potter gets a shock walking into his dormitory one day. Remus and Sirus just use it as an excuse.


**A/N - **Fair warning, sneezefetish sex later on. This is NEW writing, shock horror, from a moment of madness.

**Patent Platform Stillettos**

James couldn't close his eyes. Merlin's hairy underpants, he _wanted _to, but they were jammed _wide _open. He was fairly certain, if did ever managed to turn away or, goddammit, at least close his bloody eyes he might have to _Scourigify _his brain. It was almost captivating, the way the spectacle had infected him with some sort of paralysis.

He wasn't even able to shout some sort of warning to Remus, who was now rapidly barrelling up the stairs, no doubt to see what was keeping James. Remus clearly wasn't expecting to collide with James, frozen at the top and hung off his shoulder for a moment, regaining his balance and staring at the dormitory laid out in disarray before them both.

"Oh," said Remus.

Sirius was standing, in a similar state of shocked paralysis, on one leg in the middle of the room. Said leg was half into a pair of tights, the other leg of which was clutched loosely in Sirius' hand. His other hand a tight grasp of the end post of Remus' bed, pinning to it a bright red, patent and oh-so-shiny platform stiletto. James had only recently discovered patent, platform stilettos (Lily wouldn't be seen in such things) when his friends had, in their wisdom as the eldest, decided to take him to a Muggle strip club for his sixteenth birthday. As much he'd enjoyed _that _experience as any boy of sixteen might, he certainly hadn't expected to walk into the dorm, his _bedroom _of all places, to find Sirius Black part way into particularly silky and distinctively feminine number. James would remember thinking, much later, that it was a rather _short_ dress. But at the particular moment, Remus' interruption of his and Sirius' mutual horrified staring had finally jolted James from paralysed silence.

"Oh?" he said, turning to look at Remus, who didn't look quite as shocked as he should have done. "Oh? We've just walked in here to find Padfoot, our mate Padfoot – you remember him, tall bloke, big shoulders, farts without apologising – in a bloody dress! And all you can say is oh?"

Remus merely blinked his big eyes at him.

Sirius had found his voice. "Prongs, mate...look, er, it's not...I mean...er..."

"Don't you Prongs me...a dress! Bloody hell, Padfoot. The club was nice and all but...Godric's balls!" James paused and took a great breath, quite alarming in his apoplexy and turned again on Remus. "And you...oh?"

"James...I..er..."

Turns out James' brain figured it out before Remus mouth managed to wrangle the words.

"You knew?" He shrieked. "You knew he's been..." he gesticulated wildly at Sirius, who was still desperately clutching his tights.

"Well, sometimes the zip's at the back..." Remus replied weakly.

"You've been helping him?" It might have been Sirius in the dress, but James' voice was reaching a really uncomfortably high pitch.

"James...mate...maybe you should...er..." At that moment, as Sirius took a wobbly step towards James, that one of the veins, throbbing threatening along his throat and temples, must have burst or something similar, because James keeled over in a dead faint. Only Remus' quick reflexes saved his skull from a painful crack against the floor, though Remus wondered if he should have let it, might have knocked some sense into him.

"...sit down," Sirius finished weakly.

"Here, help me get him on to his bed," said Remus, hefting James by the shoulders across the room. With difficulty, because he hadn't yet mastered walking in heels and he currently only had the one on; Sirius grabbed James' legs and plonked James down onto his own bed. Sirius discreetly removed a bra he was fairly certain was his, and not Lily's, from James' pillow.

Remus contemplated the heap of unconscious half-boy half-man. "Well, that went well," he drawled in a dry tone.

"You think?" said Sirius, sarcastically. "Do you think he's blown some sort of blood vessel, or something?"

"I think it was just a bit of surprise. He'll find the whole thing hilarious when he wakes up."

"A surprise? Remus, the man just walked into to find me, his mate, his _bloke _mate, in a bloody Versace!" In front of James, unconscious or not, Sirius was suddenly very _aware_ that he was, in fact, wearing a very _revealing _dress.

"And you look _amazing_ in it, my dear," Remus said demurely, reaching out tender fingers to caress Sirius' cheek bone, wondering if it was a good thing Sirius hadn't had time to get creative with the cosmetics. Remus moved towards Sirius, pulling him in with a firm hand to the small of Sirius' back, left delightfully bare by the swooping fold of soft silk. The subtle, gentle scent of Sirius' perfume tickled his nose, mingling perfectly with the underlying tone of Sirius himself which purely and simply _boy._ He sneezed softly into Sirius shoulder. "Ksshh...I want you," he murmured against Sirius' temple, where the soft, downy hair just hinted at a curl.

"I'm making you sneeze." Sirius replied, but weakly, melting into the spots on his body where Remus' touched him.

"You like it when I sneeze," said Remus, directing another soft 'Aitcsshh' away from Sirius' face. "I like the perfume."

"This is James' bed..." he whispered. "I doubt he'd...arg, yes, there...appreciate it, considering."

"The bathroom is free. I daresay you'll be needing a shower when I'm finished with you, and it's probably best to face James...er...man on man, as it were."

Sirius chuckled low and seductively in his throat, "Alright, you've convinced me." He tugged Remus by the belt loop away from the now snoring James and toward the bathroom. "I absolutely insist that you face him with me, it is you, after all, who corrupted my poor, sweet and ignorantly heterosexual soul."

Remus snorted, before landing a passionate clash of lips against Sirius, back pressed to the doorframe. "Me, corrupt a Black? Never. I'm a Prefect, theoretically impossible to corrupt anyone. And you, my dear, have been as gay as May since the day your mother brought you screaming into this world."

"The bitch," said Sirius, with feeling.

Remus shivered, "Language, Pads. Or my poor, sensitive Prefect ears might object and leave you to handle yourself alone..." he trailed a lingering hand over Sirius shaft, clearly defined through the silk of his dress.

"You wouldn't. You love it, you fucking tease."

Remus had pressed the back of his other wrist to his nose, eyes closing a moment before his head snapped forward with another hitching breath. "Aih...ehhKehh."

Sirius' knees buckled slightly, and he grabbed the doorframe for support. A surge of desire flooded his belly and was suddenly, almost painfully hard, his groin grinding into Remus' equally ardent fervour.

Luckily Remus was still in possession of some sort of faculty; he hooked a hand around Sirius' neck and pulled him into the bathroom. Both boys stood panting slightly when the door clicked closed, pushed by Remus hand. Suddenly, his head pitched forward and he sneezed forcefully.

"hehhh-Eytchhh!"

Sirius was on him in an instant, knocking Remus back into the door, pressing his mouth to Remus' in desperate want. "Bless you," he panted into Remus' neck, grinding their bodies and pricks together against the resistance of the door.

Remus' hands made fast work of the zip of his dress, slipping it tenderly from his shoulders and over his body so it tickled his sensitised skin and sent tingling shocks straight through him. It caught on his erect penis, and hung there like a mauve waterfall. Remus took his prick in hand, moving slowly along his shaft, the dress a lubricant between the two. He stopped after a moment, flinging the dress away completely and taking Sirius instead into his mouth.

Sirius arched, fingers clutching weakly at the sinks behind him. The porcelain hurt where it pressed into his back, but it was _wonderful. _He realised he was still clutching one stiletto; it clattered against the tiles as it joined his dress in a pile across the room. He reached down and took Remus' chin in his hand, stroking his jaw tenderly. With just a finger, he pulled Remus up so their faces were level, and kissed him gently, barely brushing his lips over the other boy's. Remus whimpered, bending into Sirius, dipping his face to Sirius' collar bone and pressed gentle kisses, nibbles, along the length. Several soft huffs and sneezes blew against Sirius' skin, but he didn't mind, with each small hitch of breath his want grew stronger.

Remus leaned back, and sneezed strongly, "ehhhKehchahh! CHHehhehtsch!" Sirius' hand in the small of his back held him up, arched backwards pressing his cock forcefully against Sirus' with each snap of his body as he sneezed.

The sound undid Sirius, he had to have him, _now. _Murmuring blesses once more against Remus' neck he lowered the other man gently to the tiles and kissed him, trying to pour everything of his love, his desire, his arousal into that one kiss. Remus arched beneath him, moaning and writhing.

Sirius made love to him slowly now, gently, looking into Remus' eyes and promising the other boy a thousand silent promises he hoped the other boy would see in the grey depths of his own eyes. Remus was whispering against his lips, bucking beneath him. Sirius crept closer and closer to his moment, and as he almost reached the crescendo Remus ducked his head, nibbling Sirius' neck, and sneezed.

"Kkkehhsch! eehhhGtschhh! chhhKehhchahhtschhh!"

Pure bliss, ecstatic electricity fired through him as Remus contracted, triggering the waves to crash down over both of them and came himself against Sirius belly. Sirius' arms shook, as he hovered over Remus' both panting and spent. Remus sneezed again, sending aftershocks shooting through Sirius' body which made him twitch and seize. He rolled to his side, staying close to Remus who stayed on his back, panting wide eyed and blissful at the ceiling.

They lay, rapidly cooling on the cold tiles, for several moments until Remus began to sneeze forcing him to roll to his side so his shoulder blades weren't pressing uncomfortably against the hard tiles.

"kehhSchh...heh...hehschh...ahKtschh." Sirius rubbed his back, noting that Remus still wore his shirt and jumper, as he seized.

"Come on. We'd better get you showered and into bed before you irritate your nose anymore. My wonderful, sniffly, allergic, little werewolf."

Remus twisted to face him, and sniffed, smiling blearily. "Anything for you," he whispered hoarsely.

Sirius pulled him up, and flicked his wand at a shower. Steam rapidly filled the room from the hot water cascading down. It loosened Remus' sinus and he sneezed freely for several moment.

With a gentle hand he pushed Remus in the direction of the shower, "Go!" he said with a soft chuckle.

Remus' eyes were watering as he turned to look back at Sirius. "Aren't you coming?"

"In a minute. I need to ah..." One leg was still wearing his tights, the other he waved to show Remus his predicament.

Remus was laughing still as he stepped under the spray to join him, and had to be deftly silenced with a kiss. It was long shower.


End file.
